This just in from a chat with nick...

N-D066: last night I had a dream where I turned up to a party and Russell Brand was bumming you
ha ha ha ha ha

Crispin: oh
nice
lol

N-D066: Its Ok he was trying to bum everyone in the party

Crispin: but i was the only slut
sigh
story of my life

N-D066: Hes a bumaholic
No you were the entree
He was bumming other people later on
too
Disgusting!

Crispin: this is doing little for my self esteem issues

N-D066: If it makes you feel any better he had a ridiculously huge cock!
Maybe its a premonition about Glastonbury and your celeb quest

Crispin: yuk
i am only going gay 4 celeb if i get to be the postman

N-D066: With Boots Electric or Baby Duck. I think there is a rainbow pass for those guys that you can sex them up and it isnt gay!

Crispin: hahah rainbow pass
i did an office lol

This is like a double second hand eavstrop ~ a message from Emma about someone elses facebook status updates - see now - proof that facebook isn't dead Twitter can fuck off:

hi, thought you would appreciate these status updates from my friend oli, they made me laugh.

poor girl on the bus next to me is being broke up with over the phone, might swoop in on the poor thing. Mind you her voice is already going through me so I understand where the boyfriend is coming from.

Ha, she just said "it's cool, I know you're only hiding from your feelings. I'm cool to be friends and I know you don't drink but let's go out, get drunk and see what happens". Class

Oh my, metaphors galore "if you're at the seaside and can't swim the best thing to do is not just go in to your ankles but dive right in". Ha! Let it go love. I feel bad for her

Get on this bob, she just said "it'll be bad for you if you do this, sure you're unhappy now and probably will be for a while but let's see how it goes". Followed by "I'm fucking serious". This is brilliant

"no we haven't only been seeing each other for only a couple of months, that's bollocks, we've been together for close to 14 weeks, that's nearly half a year!"

Not according to my calendar sweetheart

"I love you"

Noooo, don't say that, it's not gonna fly. Bollocks, my stop is here, I might stay on to Peckham just to see how this turns out, I wish you luck slightly drunk girl on the bus

...so that was a lot better in my head > Danny Glover on the toilet but he cant do a poo because he is too old...

I need help

so this is an email exchange between me and my top showbiz buddy Nikesh 'Yamboy' Shukla (also of Geekpie fame) - I have posted it as it is a social commetary of worth ~ and it has the word cunt in it a lot:

Subject: did you see me?

Nikesh: I ran past you twice in hoxton square yesterday (was with my running club) and couldn't get your attention.

Crispin: haha no mate sorry - were you too puffed out to shout?
- i was probs being enthralled by all the MAGA ART types with all their big moustaches and their hair combed forwards and their wearing of their mum's old blouses as jackets - my favourite one was dressed like jeremy beadle disgiused as a ski instructer from 1982. did you see them?

Nikesh: it was a calcutta black hole of cunts... they were all jeering at us as we ran past and i thought, 'i may be wearing lycra but you look like a cunt.'
What was it? There always seem to be a party on tuesday there. We have the same experience as we all start with a warmup run around hoxton sq.

Crispin: it was the opening of the new show at the white cube > it is always a bit cunty at the openings, well only slightly more cunty than poxton sq is usually I spose, but that one was one of the cuntiest that i have attended - are you going to stag and dagger tonight? i expect that will be a bit of a cuntfest as well...

Nikesh: no- no one on the bill i'm desperate to see or couldn't see every other week in hoxbitch anyway.
plus i gots a book to rewrite!

---- ends

Interestingly >  cunt, cunts, cunty and cuntiest came up in spell check but cuntfest did not.

- now back to work you cunts x

So it's friday afternoon in Office Land and I am on instant messages with me litt;e sister > she is telling me about the dream she had last night...

Erica: I had cancer and sort of no one was telling me what was going on ...and i was all dying and horrid ...and then mum said - no your not going to die didnt we tell you you have to have operation and then the doctors were fergie and the princesses beatrix and eugeni and i was all - 'they aren't even doctors!!!!'
horrid

Crispin: they arnt even doctors lol#

Erica: honest it was awfull
i woke up and my pillow was soaked i had done so much crying

Crispin: oh sosij
do you want to come to iceland on saturday?
shop not country
to get kerry K canapes?

Erica: erm
ok
is it open/

Crispin: yeh opened yesterday
you dont HAVE to come

Erica: did kerry open it?
or jason donavan ?

Crispin: no - however there was a sex offender with a dirty iceland waistcoat doing balloon animals

Erica: :/

Crispin: and a disoriantated girl with heavy eye make-up handing out leaflets about what shit cost a pound

Erica: the posh stuff?

Crispin: posh isnt the word
when i present our Eurovision party guests with a PRAWN RING we will all know that i have arrived

Wicker just started riding to work - I sent her a pep talk and her route maps then i saw this thing on bookface

Dear Wicker

Welcome. You are now a cyclist in London, your enemies are the taxi-cab and the traffic light.

Your life has just become less important than the fare on the other side of the road or making the next light change. If you cannot see a drivers eyes whether in their mirror or on their face it means they are about to try and kill you. Every other road user should be regarded as a potential murderer with the means and designs to execute you without a second thought.

Bendy bus drivers have long since forgotten that they are not in a Routemaster and drive them as if they were the same size - these are the people most likely to make an attempt at your life but they are not the most sucessful. Truck and lorry drivers are easily the most prolific asassins on London streets and are most likely to take you out by turning left on top of you while they check their phone for messages or generally pay fuck all attention to anything to do with driving.

To combat this you should always be seen and be big, don't snuggle up to the side of traffic, be in front of it and by all means be in the way if you need to be or if you feel intimidated by a situation. Being told you are a prick/ bitch cyclist is better than being dead one under the wheels of the person who would call you a bitch just because their place in the traffic queue is so much more important that your life.

It is fine to laugh at all the miserable proles on public transport but remember not to laugh so much that you forget the bus driver wants to kill you.

Cycle lanes are good but always bare in mind that cab drivers think that they have the same rights as they do in bus lanes and your presence is a huge inconvenience to them because their business model is based taking as long as they can about getting their passenger somewhere whilst appearing to be desperate to get them there before they even got in the cab.

So to recap:

1. be big
2. be seen
3. be safe
   ...and above all
4. be sexy

> you are now a member of the elite and it is your civic duty to keep cycling sexy.

>>crispin

...and then i saw this on facebook today ~ puts the whole thing in perspective.

Celebrating Eilidh Cairns - appealing for witnesses to the crash that killed Eilidh Cairns in Notting Hill Gate as she cycled to work, Thurs 5 Feb 2009. Can you help us?

Today (Thursday 7th May) is the three month anniversary of Eilidh’s fatal crash which took place near the pedestrian crossing on the westbound carriageway opposite Tescos in Notting Hill Gate. She died shortly afterwards at the Royal London Hospital. The lorry driver was arrested at the scene on suspicion of dangerous driving.

To date the police investigation has returned nothing – no CCTV footage, no witnesses and no understanding of what happened in the moments before the collision; despite the fact that the crash happened on a busy main artery route through West London, lined with shops and residential properties, at the high point of morning rush hour.

At 8.45am today (Thursday, 7th May) at the site in Notting Hill Gate, Eilidh’s family and friends will take to the streets for a roadside appeal in handing out leaflets and talking to commuters, residents and passers-by. It will be a renewed attempt to find anyone that may be able to offer information into what happened, and how Eilidh, an experienced and alert cyclist, could end up under the wheels of a tipper lorry in slow moving but accelerating, one-directional traffic.

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=83011272326

Dear Janit,

I feel it only appropriate that you should receive nothing but the sternest reprimand for your disgraceful behavior in company. I refer explicitly, to our recent visits from Wicker's Mother. At every possible opportunity you acted as a spoiled child, hornswoggling her for extra food, demanding attention, then squirming like an eel when she tried to pick you up and stubornly rebuking any and all displays of actual affection. Also of note was your repeated whinging and whining and sulking and hiding - all this to say nothing of the bare faced lies about our 'starving you for sport'.

She asked me if you were a rescue cat for pity's sake. This conduct will not be tolerated again.

Love always

Crispin

ARSE PIPE

RIGHT > who's idea was this having a job and going to work all the time shit? I havn't had time to write a post for like 2 weeks and I have only been pissed for about 1/3 of that time. I got about ten things to write about, new letters to Janit and some more Celebrity High Street pictures to do...

At least the podcasting is continuing weekly and sounding less shit now we have a mic.

Think I will have to give myself a morning off next week and type up some of this shit  that is rolling around my head > in the meantime here is some more profesionals at work developing web applications messeenger chat:

me: *ahem*
you change layout.css over the w/e?

dave: yep and scrollpane.css
they both in the theme folder
the scrollpane stuff is at the bot of scrollpane css

me: yeah ok i seen it
ok i get the whole theme folder > get out get out > I backin up

dave: ok i do baby-freeze
btw. i am drinks ned flanders vegas white whine spritzerrrrrr

me: cor
you Lambrini girls really know how to rock the shit out of it

dave: it is white wine, lemodane and vodka, stirred with a bull's penis
[model's own]

me: LOL

oh I forgot to publish this one last week >>

so I went to the opening of the new show at the white cube last night > i go to just about every opening there because I AM WELL ART (and they give you free booze). Again, I accidentally forgot to go and look at the art but Emma said it was a bit shit so i don't feel that duped > ALTHOUGH on the other hand J said there was ladies bare naked tits in a couple of the paintings...

Then we all piled in 'The Bear' - Dunc's van and bombed back up to N16 for the quiz night at the Nobody Inn > I fuckin love quiz nights right. everyone gets a bit excited, there is the team that always win and are mega competitive and the quiet but knowledgeable teams and the teams of pissed people shouting and the teams of people who know nothing but are really excited to be there. Often this entire dinamic can be reduced and replicated in the remaining teams - does that make sense? does it ? whatever - i know what i am talking about.

So yeah quiz was well good fun Ox was so excited about the picture round (name the sitcom from a picture of the cast) he messed up 3 answer papers before he was forced to give up the scribe duties to Rindsey, when we did the marking Dunc changed the competitive team's name from the Brainiacs to the Brainysacks so taht is what the quiz lady read out when they won and we all LAUGHED IN THE FACE OF THEIR VICTORY. We came second because we are well cleverz but not going to bitch whinge at people who don't think akapsi deserves a mark when the answer was okapi. ANYWAY Jamie chose our prize and spurned the expensive prizes of wine etc for a packet of minstrels which was quite expensive at £8 entrance fee but made second place glory taste all the sweeter, although i dislike minstrals as they taste a little bit like oversize margerine smarties.

QUIZLORDZ

> in other news I have set up that facebook group for people who are genuinely interested in getting the phrase 'Girls Aloud' into common parlance as an exclamation.  e.g.

"Don't forget the vicar is coming round for tea in a minute"
"GIRLS ALOUD, I better tidy away my grumble flicks and Jazz mags"

it's right here should you want to join:

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=83243206270&ref=nf

- i got like 7 people already and i only invited Wicker and Bernard