Dear Janit

I wanted to talk to you again about what a frivolous waste of time it is to sit and stare at the wall for an entire day. However I do understand that it is one of your preferred pastimes and I have a suggestion: If you must stare at a blank wall – why don’t you sit a bit further back so that you can see more of it?

Hope this helps.

Love from Crispin

Dear Janet

I don’t think you should sulk so much on the rare occasions that I bring young ladies back to the flat.

It is unbecoming of a cat of your breeding and sophistication. I would also like to point out that I did not sulk when you would disappear for hours on end doubtless fornicating with every Tom-Cat Dick or Harry in North London.

Do let us try and be grown ups about this.

Love from

Crispin

Dear Janet

I fail to comprehend why you have begun spending tuppence in the pot of the rubber plant. This is the wrong way to go about attention seeking – if you really need more love and attention than you already receive I would suggest that you do something endearing or droll and not perform any further acts of dirty protest which I find frankly abhorrent.

Come on girl – shape up.

Yours truly,
Crispin

Dear Janet

I have compiled a list of things to consider when choosing a place to sit:

1. Danger of death
   Electrical appliances can prove hazardous to the resting cat especially toasters, washing machines, boilers and hobs.
2. Danger of entrapment
   Cupboards, boxes, draws etc Humans have a habit of closing open things for the sake of tidiness – washing machines again fall into this category and should be avoided.
3. Danger of compression
   Behind doors (be they open or closed), inside piles of stuff and under sofas are places in this category.

Hope this helps.

Love from Crispin