Instant messenger chats

I am posting this chat with my sister for posterity mostly but you are welcome to read it if you like.

To put it in context later this year we are going away for a holiday at some yurts in wales where they farm alpacas (Adam is organising it) > AND > wtf is a labradoodle? > AND > me and erica used to work in a cafe on Church Street called 'The Cooler' - it was very Stoke Newington - soya milk lattes in the 90s, gluten free stuff (a good 5 years before all the people in North London suddenly realised they were DEFINITELY allergic to bread), responsibly reared meat before Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall had even killed his first pig and organic cucumbers for two fifty before Wet and Wild opened up down the road and just did all that shit better....

erica: i had mental dreram after adam sent the yurts email
i dreamt i had impulsively bought an alpacca
it was really naughty and annoying and i was really embaressed that i had purchased something so irresponssible and stuuupid
so embarrassed that i kept telly everone it was a labradoodle

crispin: did they beliieve you?

erica: yeah think so

crispin: your dream freinds are WELL stupid

erica: you should know
YOU WERE ONE OF THEM

crispin: FUCK
i cant be held responsible for your subconscious deflating of my brilliant mind
I know the difference:

a labradoodle is labradoodally recognised while an alpaca is alpakkaly different

erica: LOL
it was a very small alpacca
and mostly fur
so you shouldn't be too ashamed and so defensive

crispin: whatevs
can dogs spit?

erica: yes
but only down
slowly

crispin: bob carolgees dog doesn't count
PUPPET NOT REAL

erica: i had to google image that

crispin: oh really?
don't you remember when we worked in the cooler
where was the poster for someones amazin meditaion class or something
we changed his name to bob carolgees

erica: did we? - we were horrid
much worse than fresh and wild staff

crispin: because well he looked EXACTLY like bob carolgees
EXACTLY
(had a similar mustache)

erica: lol - well imagine the reiki hawking lactose intolerant prick deserved to be ridiculed

crispin: YEH the cunt

erica: we were deffo nice to some customers
even esp nice to some...just to make the ones we were mean to realise that we hated them

crispin: our mates

erica: ...i was nice to erm...mr machiatto
and...cappucino croisant lesbian
and ....
that might have been it

crispin: i think it was

erica: I hated... chevre bouche salad man, croissant with lots of butter estate agent bitch, the most and hated serving the clepto mum erghghghghgh and the 'do you want to see my jewells' lady

crispin: we were kind of nice to 2 cappuccinos, almond croissant and a cinnamon swirl couple

erica: ohhh yeah - and their live at home son

crispin: omg jewels lady
"do i look nice today?"

erica: no
you look mental go away

crispin: lol
once amanda tried to throw her off by telling her she looked nice before she could ask
she said

i smell a bit though I haven't had a wash for days

erica: that time she made vanessa hold her rings and then said ' i just been for a smeer test' lolololol vanessa almost did a sick

crispin: oh YEAH LOL

erica: hahahaahaaa
we are mean - she was actually mental
not a cock like the rest of em

crispin: we wernt mean

erica: true - well not to their faces

crispin: jewels lady wouldn't have known if we were
she was too busy fretting about her care worker and landlord who were "shooting me all full of heroin and having sex with me"
heroin/ insulin

erica: with the amount of cake she ate she deffo had diabetes
though the pills she got out on the bus and was showing the lady in front of me were 'to stop her friend comming back'
'because they made her do bad things'

crispin: Hoot <3s mental poeoples

I go to yoga.

I loves it.

I go to yoga wearing a t shirt that says get bent or Ten Benson on it.

I listen to really heavy metal on the way there and back.

This is how worlds collide.

Pete says it's good because it is an hour and a half of enforced stretching and people really should be able to touch their toes.

Once someone actually farted but luckily Pete wasn't at that class so i just about contained myself to a massive grin and occasional sniggers instead of an out and out MEGALOL.

The thing that does my head in though - is the bit at the end where you have to do some relaxing > it's called Savasana - 'corpse pose' or more accurately - 'nap time'. You are suppoed to go super relaxed and feel your breath and not think about anyting - not think about anything? has she even SEEN Ghostbusters? wtf - Then the worst part is when she says you have to surrender your body to the mat - then I'm gone > all I can think about then is that dick who went to live with bears in Canada and they ate him. This is because he filmed it all on his camcorder so there is a video of him being et up by a fucking bear, video evidence of him at the point where human beings accept death and surrender themselves, a video of him totally calm being munched up by a bear while his bird runs around screaming throwing frying pans and shit at it. And this is what i think about when i am not supposed to be thinking about stuff during Savasana - that and Ghostbusters.

this is not a video of the man being eaten by the bear - it is a video of how to do nap time > it is not just lying down OK?

I go to yoga in Stoke Newington - famous for rich pretend hippies with idiot hobbies like yoghurt weaving - My sister also lives in Stoke Newington and she has a wheat allergy - a real one, she didn't contract it from living in stoke Newington too long or going to Fresh and Wild too often - she is allergic in real life, it means she has a genuine physical allergic reaction to wheat - not that 'it makes her feel a bit bloated' - I would like to make that perfectly clear before I share this messenger conversation with you:

Crispin: OK I will come round yours after I been to yogabobs
Erica: can you bring gluten free plain flour if you have any
f&W had sold out
Crispin: ok
Crispin: ohoho lol i have to take it to yoga
might make a big fuss so everyone can see what it is
Erica: yep - they will think you are showing off lol
Crispin: OH I'LL JUST POP MY GLUTEN FREE FLOUR OVER HERE
Erica: haha
Crispin: NOW WHERE IS MY TRAIL MIX?
I PREFER IT TO REAL SWEETS YOU KNOW
SO DO MY KIDS
Erica: earth and twig
Crispin: L
O
L
...they are very advanced you know
probably because i don't have a telly
THAT'S RIGHT
NO TELLY

------------------------------------------

A friend of mine said recently that yoga classes were supposed to be good places to find potential boyfriends - I said well I guess I just pissed all over that theory...

So it's friday afternoon in Office Land and I am on instant messages with me litt;e sister > she is telling me about the dream she had last night...

Erica: I had cancer and sort of no one was telling me what was going on ...and i was all dying and horrid ...and then mum said - no your not going to die didnt we tell you you have to have operation and then the doctors were fergie and the princesses beatrix and eugeni and i was all - 'they aren't even doctors!!!!'
horrid

Crispin: they arnt even doctors lol#

Erica: honest it was awfull
i woke up and my pillow was soaked i had done so much crying

Crispin: oh sosij
do you want to come to iceland on saturday?
shop not country
to get kerry K canapes?

Erica: erm
ok
is it open/

Crispin: yeh opened yesterday
you dont HAVE to come

Erica: did kerry open it?
or jason donavan ?

Crispin: no - however there was a sex offender with a dirty iceland waistcoat doing balloon animals

Erica: :/

Crispin: and a disoriantated girl with heavy eye make-up handing out leaflets about what shit cost a pound

Erica: the posh stuff?

Crispin: posh isnt the word
when i present our Eurovision party guests with a PRAWN RING we will all know that i have arrived

So > Corpsey is moving out of the house I used to live in and so Pete, Wildo and my lil sister, Erica are doing shallow grave style interviews for a new flat mate. This process is being referred to as 'Britain's got Corpsey' by Wildo and the interviews start tomorrrow night.

This just in on G chat with Erica >>

Erica: lols

Crispin: wha?

Erica: a mega hot girl has asked to look round - she is a model / actress

Crispin: ace
PICK HER

Erica: wanna come round and watch pete and matt go all red and quiet while i show her round

Crispin: YES
when?
i will just 'pop by'
like we live in a sit com

Erica: ok - here is her actress profile thing http://www.starnow.com/###########
StarNow.com - ##########
Source: www.starnow.com

Crispin: when i come in the door pls can you trigger the sound of an audience clapping like in happy days

Erica: ok

Crispin: shall i come round dressed as fonzy or in normal clothes?

Erica: haha - right i bes email her to get her round

Crispin: crumbs >>
she has 'recently decided to try and explore all aspects of life'
is that code for 'I am a total dirt bird'?

Erica: crumbs i don't know - maybe
you can ask her

Crispin: you should make that one of your questions
oooh ooooh oooh
maybe i can come round and do a special guest question
pleeeeeeeeeeeease

Erica: we will leave the front window open and you can just lean in and ask it

Crispin: YEAH like in 70's saturday night live
the window will open and i will just start laughing
because I have forget my line AND - BECAUSE - I - AM - SOOOO - FUNNNEEEE

Erica: right i'll log back in now

Crispin: to what?