Instant messenger chats
Loads of my friends are well funny > this is a record of the throw away comments and off the cuff jokes and witticisms and silly stories that i want to keep lest they disappear and be forgotten like all the funny stuff people said in the pub last night....
First one is about how to perfectly poach an egg after Annabel showin off like nobody's business on twitter a couple days back > http://twitpic.com/11y5hl
Crispin: hey egg witch
tell me your secrets
i want to poach an egg
but i might have to kill you after
Crispin: ok deal
Annabel: poached egg last supper - woot
Annabel: k so it's get the water boiling to a 'rolling boil'
i know the technical terms and everything
Crispin: this bread is my body and this wine is my blood
~ hey JC what's teh egg?
Crispin: that's my umm\
the egg is, like... my dog?
- ok right rolling boil
i am there
Annabel: add vinegar
jeez you measurements
Crispin: ok tell me in blubs
Annabel: there's a 'want' missing in that line somewhere
Crispin: ok a glug yep
Annabel: break egg into a cup
Crispin: i hve the purfect one
it is a pink barbie one
Annabel: i've heard that poached eggs excel in barbie cups
oooh you need a stopwatchy thing
Crispin: ok i got my phone
Annabel: this is the science
ok so all in go - you want to swirly swirly the water
drop egg in and carry on swirly swirlying all at same time
and leave it for 2mins precisely
Crispin: ok safe here i go
one more thing
clockwise / anti cockwise
hang on i have to air swirly
hmm i go anti
- - - -
Crispin: that's amazin
so i think i might put this on me blog
you are going to have to kill me anyway
sheep as a lamb and all that
>>>> moments later~ more egg related IM chat...
Erica: last night i was having a dream and then in my dream suddenly i was frying an egg but then i felt sick and woke up
IRL pete had done a really smelly guff
so bad it woke me up
I am posting this chat with my sister for posterity mostly but you are welcome to read it if you like.
To put it in context later this year we are going away for a holiday at some yurts in wales where they farm alpacas (Adam is organising it) > AND > wtf is a labradoodle? > AND > me and erica used to work in a cafe on Church Street called 'The Cooler' - it was very Stoke Newington - soya milk lattes in the 90s, gluten free stuff (a good 5 years before all the people in North London suddenly realised they were DEFINITELY allergic to bread), responsibly reared meat before Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall had even killed his first pig and organic cucumbers for two fifty before Wet and Wild opened up down the road and just did all that shit better....
erica: i had mental dreram after adam sent the yurts email
i dreamt i had impulsively bought an alpacca
it was really naughty and annoying and i was really embaressed that i had purchased something so irresponssible and stuuupid
so embarrassed that i kept telly everone it was a labradoodle
crispin: did they beliieve you?
erica: yeah think so
crispin: your dream freinds are WELL stupid
erica: you should know
YOU WERE ONE OF THEM
i cant be held responsible for your subconscious deflating of my brilliant mind
I know the difference:
a labradoodle is labradoodally recognised while an alpaca is alpakkaly different
it was a very small alpacca
and mostly fur
so you shouldn't be too ashamed and so defensive
can dogs spit?
but only down
crispin: bob carolgees dog doesn't count
PUPPET NOT REAL
erica: i had to google image that
crispin: oh really?
don't you remember when we worked in the cooler
where was the poster for someones amazin meditaion class or something
we changed his name to bob carolgees
erica: did we? - we were horrid
much worse than fresh and wild staff
crispin: because well he looked EXACTLY like bob carolgees
(had a similar mustache)
erica: lol - well imagine the reiki hawking lactose intolerant prick deserved to be ridiculed
crispin: YEH the cunt
erica: we were deffo nice to some customers
even esp nice to some...just to make the ones we were mean to realise that we hated them
crispin: our mates
erica: ...i was nice to erm...mr machiatto
and...cappucino croisant lesbian
that might have been it
crispin: i think it was
erica: I hated... chevre bouche salad man, croissant with lots of butter estate agent bitch, the most and hated serving the clepto mum erghghghghgh and the 'do you want to see my jewells' lady
crispin: we were kind of nice to 2 cappuccinos, almond croissant and a cinnamon swirl couple
erica: ohhh yeah - and their live at home son
crispin: omg jewels lady
"do i look nice today?"
you look mental go away
once amanda tried to throw her off by telling her she looked nice before she could ask
i smell a bit though I haven't had a wash for days
erica: that time she made vanessa hold her rings and then said ' i just been for a smeer test' lolololol vanessa almost did a sick
crispin: oh YEAH LOL
we are mean - she was actually mental
not a cock like the rest of em
crispin: we wernt mean
erica: true - well not to their faces
crispin: jewels lady wouldn't have known if we were
she was too busy fretting about her care worker and landlord who were "shooting me all full of heroin and having sex with me"
erica: with the amount of cake she ate she deffo had diabetes
though the pills she got out on the bus and was showing the lady in front of me were 'to stop her friend comming back'
'because they made her do bad things'
crispin: Hoot <3s mental poeoples
Crispin: hello duck
Mark:yo yo yo
wotcha up to?
anything new media tastic?
Crispin: oh you know
actually i am on the smeg dishwasher forum lol
trying to fix our dishwasher
i love you for admitting taht
Crispin: welcom to my amazing life
Mark: so amazing
Crispin: this is my fave bit of advixce so far:
open the door, switch it off, switch it on and immediately press the program button 4 times within 3 seconds.
Mark: does that give you unlimited ammo?
Mark: or warp to the final level?
Mark: do you own it?
Mark: take a screwdriver to it and then call the landlord
he can get a cheap one in the sales
Crispin: yeh i tried that
she sent round 'tommy the sparky'
he said to be honest mate all i can do is confirm that it's recieving power
and it is
because this red light is flashin
he is getting us a new hob in time for crispmas tho
i do like your flat
Crispin: atm we have 2 settings
slighty warmer than the landlord's cold black heart
hotter and hotter and hotter
do you want to see a really gay photo of me?
Crispin: one for grinder?
Mark: hah, no
from the office party
Crispin: yeh hit me
Mark: ok, but you can't send this on or ever use it against me
Mark: super agy
and showing off my gut
Crispin: you are so hot right now
working that look
Crispin: i just tried the mystic smeg dishwasher lore
Mark: quick, add that one to wikipedia
like th elie that otis lifts have a secret button combo to express your way past other floors without stopping
Crispin: lol yeh thanks for the tip dave
Mark: Lies, all lies!
I go to yoga.
I loves it.
I go to yoga wearing a t shirt that says get bent or Ten Benson on it.
I listen to really heavy metal on the way there and back.
This is how worlds collide.
Pete says it's good because it is an hour and a half of enforced stretching and people really should be able to touch their toes.
Once someone actually farted but luckily Pete wasn't at that class so i just about contained myself to a massive grin and occasional sniggers instead of an out and out MEGALOL.
The thing that does my head in though - is the bit at the end where you have to do some relaxing > it's called Savasana - 'corpse pose' or more accurately - 'nap time'. You are suppoed to go super relaxed and feel your breath and not think about anyting - not think about anything? has she even SEEN Ghostbusters? wtf - Then the worst part is when she says you have to surrender your body to the mat - then I'm gone > all I can think about then is that dick who went to live with bears in Canada and they ate him. This is because he filmed it all on his camcorder so there is a video of him being et up by a fucking bear, video evidence of him at the point where human beings accept death and surrender themselves, a video of him totally calm being munched up by a bear while his bird runs around screaming throwing frying pans and shit at it. And this is what i think about when i am not supposed to be thinking about stuff during Savasana - that and Ghostbusters.
this is not a video of the man being eaten by the bear - it is a video of how to do nap time > it is not just lying down OK?
I go to yoga in Stoke Newington - famous for rich pretend hippies with idiot hobbies like yoghurt weaving - My sister also lives in Stoke Newington and she has a wheat allergy - a real one, she didn't contract it from living in stoke Newington too long or going to Fresh and Wild too often - she is allergic in real life, it means she has a genuine physical allergic reaction to wheat - not that 'it makes her feel a bit bloated' - I would like to make that perfectly clear before I share this messenger conversation with you:
Crispin: OK I will come round yours after I been to yogabobs
Erica: can you bring gluten free plain flour if you have any
f&W had sold out
Crispin: ohoho lol i have to take it to yoga
might make a big fuss so everyone can see what it is
Erica: yep - they will think you are showing off lol
Crispin: OH I'LL JUST POP MY GLUTEN FREE FLOUR OVER HERE
Crispin: NOW WHERE IS MY TRAIL MIX?
I PREFER IT TO REAL SWEETS YOU KNOW
SO DO MY KIDS
Erica: earth and twig
...they are very advanced you know
probably because i don't have a telly
A friend of mine said recently that yoga classes were supposed to be good places to find potential boyfriends - I said well I guess I just pissed all over that theory...
This just in from a chat with nick...
N-D066: last night I had a dream where I turned up to a party and Russell Brand was bumming you
ha ha ha ha ha
N-D066: Its Ok he was trying to bum everyone in the party
Crispin: but i was the only slut
story of my life
N-D066: Hes a bumaholic
No you were the entree
He was bumming other people later on
Crispin: this is doing little for my self esteem issues
N-D066: If it makes you feel any better he had a ridiculously huge cock!
Maybe its a premonition about Glastonbury and your celeb quest
i am only going gay 4 celeb if i get to be the postman
N-D066: With Boots Electric or Baby Duck. I think there is a rainbow pass for those guys that you can sex them up and it isnt gay!
Crispin: hahah rainbow pass
i did an office lol
So it's friday afternoon in Office Land and I am on instant messages with me litt;e sister > she is telling me about the dream she had last night...
Erica: I had cancer and sort of no one was telling me what was going on ...and i was all dying and horrid ...and then mum said - no your not going to die didnt we tell you you have to have operation and then the doctors were fergie and the princesses beatrix and eugeni and i was all - 'they aren't even doctors!!!!'
Crispin: they arnt even doctors lol#
Erica: honest it was awfull
i woke up and my pillow was soaked i had done so much crying
Crispin: oh sosij
do you want to come to iceland on saturday?
shop not country
to get kerry K canapes?
is it open/
Crispin: yeh opened yesterday
you dont HAVE to come
Erica: did kerry open it?
or jason donavan ?
Crispin: no - however there was a sex offender with a dirty iceland waistcoat doing balloon animals
Crispin: and a disoriantated girl with heavy eye make-up handing out leaflets about what shit cost a pound
Erica: the posh stuff?
Crispin: posh isnt the word
when i present our Eurovision party guests with a PRAWN RING we will all know that i have arrived
RIGHT > who's idea was this having a job and going to work all the time shit? I havn't had time to write a post for like 2 weeks and I have only been pissed for about 1/3 of that time. I got about ten things to write about, new letters to Janit and some more Celebrity High Street pictures to do...
At least the podcasting is continuing weekly and sounding less shit now we have a mic.
Think I will have to give myself a morning off next week and type up some of this shit that is rolling around my head > in the meantime here is some more profesionals at work developing web applications messeenger chat:
you change layout.css over the w/e?
dave: yep and scrollpane.css
they both in the theme folder
the scrollpane stuff is at the bot of scrollpane css
me: yeah ok i seen it
ok i get the whole theme folder > get out get out > I backin up
dave: ok i do baby-freeze
btw. i am drinks ned flanders vegas white whine spritzerrrrrr
you Lambrini girls really know how to rock the shit out of it
dave: it is white wine, lemodane and vodka, stirred with a bull's penis
So > Corpsey is moving out of the house I used to live in and so Pete, Wildo and my lil sister, Erica are doing shallow grave style interviews for a new flat mate. This process is being referred to as 'Britain's got Corpsey' by Wildo and the interviews start tomorrrow night.
This just in on G chat with Erica >>
Erica: a mega hot girl has asked to look round - she is a model / actress
Erica: wanna come round and watch pete and matt go all red and quiet while i show her round
i will just 'pop by'
like we live in a sit com
Erica: ok - here is her actress profile thing http://www.starnow.com/###########
StarNow.com - ##########
Crispin: when i come in the door pls can you trigger the sound of an audience clapping like in happy days
Crispin: shall i come round dressed as fonzy or in normal clothes?
Erica: haha - right i bes email her to get her round
Crispin: crumbs >>
she has 'recently decided to try and explore all aspects of life'
is that code for 'I am a total dirt bird'?
Erica: crumbs i don't know - maybe
you can ask her
Crispin: you should make that one of your questions
oooh ooooh oooh
maybe i can come round and do a special guest question
Erica: we will leave the front window open and you can just lean in and ask it
Crispin: YEAH like in 70's saturday night live
the window will open and i will just start laughing
because I have forget my line AND - BECAUSE - I - AM - SOOOO - FUNNNEEEE
Erica: right i'll log back in now
Crispin: to what?
This was a messenger chat i had with Dave years ago before i started this blog and before cooked breakfast- at the time I was living in Chamonix in the French Alps working remotely doing video link meetings like i was from the future and Dave was in a busy open plan office in London (which is why we go to video and keep typing instead of speaking) - its quite a long one, like a little play...
Dave: YO SUCKA!
Crispin: hello twinkle
Dave: hows the video this week?
if I were you i would get on it
if I were you I would be a shit
Dave: do you fancy this flash design job 5-6 days?
Crispin: I am a bit snowed under at the mo
Dave: badum tish
Crispin: doing some work for my cousin
Dave: whats he got you up to?
Dave: found faces are ace
Dave: none of them are jesus though
Crispin: they are skills
Dave: idid you get wasted on saturday?
Crispin: oh yes - proper shitfaced - did you?
Dave: good man. i did too.
fortunately i behaved myself and was pleasant to all
Crispin: was having an argument with this extreme skier about how darts was just as good as skiing
and the commitment to the sport was eqal in both
he was having none of it and got in a strop
Dave: darts is better that skiing - no one ever had to invent "extreme darts" just to keep darts going
Crispin: ha ha wish i had thought of that
he would have cried
Dave: go back goback!
Crispin: I'll tell him next time i see him and i am pissed up and argumentative
Dave: wave your finger and call him "sonny"
Crispin: I promise x
oh btw I now have a super mid west hick moustache
David Scales would like to have a video and voice conversation with you. Do you want to Accept (Alt+T) or Decline (Alt+D) the invitation?
You have accepted the request from David Scales to have a video and voice conversation.
Crispin: can you see?
Dave: HAHAHAHA im your huckleberry
ILMER KILMER KILMER
Dave: kilmer in "tombstone"
Crispin: I look like a pederast
Dave: you weasle tached varmint
Dave: do you have a spitoon?
i have a ukulele now
Crispin: for real?
ukes are brill
Dave: yep it was 99pondz and a burfday gift
Crispin: you can play any song in the world and it sounds the same
Dave: i can play foo fighters walking after you and somewhere ovber teh rainbow
Crispin: do they sound the same?
Dave: yes. they both sound shit.
look at me I am showing off
Dave: is that booze?
I love my job
Dave: move into the light for simon (hello) he wants to see le tache
Crispin: the other day I went so fast on my board that my cheeks wobbled like roger moor on the giro thing in moonraker
I shat myself
Ihad to stop and have a little think about what i was doing
Dave: lower cheek wobble>?
Crispin: like this
Dave: really? properly assess the lunacy?
then i went out today with this french bloke paul
and he went loads faster than that
Dave: haha you have the gauntlet
Crispin: it is well frightening how fast you can go
Dave: how fast actually is it?
Crispin: if you are a mental up to...
I dont know
faster than people ought to slide
Dave: 60 mph they reckon
Crispin: who reckons?
Crispin: the loony downhill skiers?
Crispin: ha - i bet i was doing 25 tops
Dave: Already in 1981, Ski Cooper in Leadville, Colorado, saw the first snowboard contest. One year later, the first National Snowboard Championships were held in Suicide Six near Woodstock, Vermont. Downhill racers were timed at 60 mph.
FACEMELTING DUDE, YOU JUST GODDA LET GO AND BELEIVE
At 154.17 MPH, Harry Egger holds the title as the world's fastest speed skier.
Dave: how - how much faster is skydiving?
Crispin: The terminal velocity of this skydiver is about 124 mph (200 kph)
Dave: "[Rodd] Millner
expects to fall at speeds up to 1800 km/h (1118 mph).
V A P O R I S E D
Crispin: what the fuck? is he dressed as a dart?
Dave: its an "extreme" dart
Crispin: we should be on tv
Dave: we are
Dave: I'm saving this
Crispin: me to
Crispin: bum I have to get ready to go out and get pissed now
Crispin: show off my moustache
Dave: right I am off to the pub too, that drive should be copied soon but they might get rid so I'd copy it to yours asap
Crispin: ok I will take a local copy tomorrow
Dave: your moustache will grab a lady with either end i reckomn
The video and voice conversation with David Scales has ended.
crispin: morning liverlips > i have done most of them CSS changes and uploaded
but i am polishing in live because i am lazey bones
crispin: can you come round mine and get me some bread and milk from the shop pls?
I hungry and it well f cold out
/hedghog's blog lol
dave: i cant go out, i have the heating up so high the shock will killl me
i think thats why i got zoned out yesterday
this radiator is hot as fuck
crispin: hotter than Zac Efron?
dave: dont know him
crispin: you don't know Zac Efron?
HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL?
he is SO HOT RIGHT NOW
this will make you lollers http://blip.tv/file/1643620
i think his brother is introducing our set
crispin: i like it how he listen to the keyboard liek teh soun come out the black keys
dave: it DOES
WHERE IS ALL YOUR HAIR GON DAVE?
dave: i NOES it IS WELL GOOD!
i look like polish crimmer
crispin: lolz singer has kenneth williams pilled up cripple arm
dave: yeh and he FOR REAL has thom yorke tourettes
crispin: what? EYE torrettes?
dave: little shaky ones
thom yorkes eye is just watching his bank balance and keeping tabs on the person at saatchi what promises to give them the best ideas first
crispin: HAHA and Chris MArtinez is hiding behind a tree in his back garden ready to poke him in his other eye as soon as he can get teh restrictive insulating tape off his fingers