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So i went to Leeds on Saturday to go to this web conference - it were well good > thanks @Thehodge and http://www.thinkvisibility.com/ met interesting people, learnt stuff, ate pizza, drank beer > tick tick tick and tick ~ what's the story?

This is the story:

Woke up at half five still pissed up from the night before, rolled out the door forgetting to fill my pockets with bidnis cards or eat or drink anything and cycled off to Kings x where i was greeted by a toad dressed up as a ticket guard who wouldn't let me get on the train until i went and got a special ticket for my bike instead of a coffee > as if to prove what an evil bitch he was he didn't even check the ticket when i got back.

I tried to have a little kip on the train but there were these two posh kids telling each other about their amazing university lives really loud sat on the table across - one of them actually said: 'it reminds me of that time you rinsed out your fathers credit card at the golf club' and that began to roll around in my head like a wasp in the bedroom. They eventually fucked off though and i made it to Leeds with no further bother and 40 winks squeezed in.

I like Leeds, it's a bit cleaner than London and there is a bit more air in between things - also if you follow a sign it points to the thing it says it does - instead of leading a merry dance around the thing.

I have little interest in SEO (view my sauce) but Joost de Valk and Judith Lewis gave such good talks (and Judith chocklits) that I accidentally learned some interesting stuff, things that i will doubtless never put into practice on this blog but was interesting and well recieved none the less > Joost had a cool voice as well - he could start a sentence with a Dutch accent then go full English for the middle eight and end mid Atlantic but with a sprinkle of the odd word as Northern Irish > he told us *A SECRET* > and I am not telling ANY of you fuckers what it is. I saw some 'mazin demos of eye capture technology and usability studies from a fit lady called Fiona [edit - from Simple Usibility - cheers Dom ] > Tom Smith did a my favourite presentation on 'making social media suck less' with all hand drawn slides and diagrams (style and concepts that i will most likely be stealing in the very near future) AND I did pass up Rob Manuel's talk on sickipedia for a talk on corporate blogging from Karyn Fleeting because i am a fucking professional > that's right.

Most importantly I got to watch @juliansambles from the Telegraph die on his arse telling a room full of seo, very basically why seo was important and give a very boring, self congratulatory to the board style presentation explaining pretty much fuck all about what he did to optimise search results, proudly showing aged hand picked stats about how the Telegraph was AMAZING and sheepishly doing a swifty over his slides about how brilliant digg and voting sites were for seo when Joost had just exposed it as a bollock. HOOT

~ Also he seemed almost incapable of completing a sentence that did not contain the word 'guys' (more often than not preceded by the word 'hey') AND he had pink mum-jeans on with a shirt tucked in and nice school shoes liek a city exec in disguise when there is a soap dodger march on. OH I am being a cunt for fun - he wasn't that bad really > but he did keep talking right to the end so no one could ask him who he thought he was doing a presentation to or if he even knew that the Telegraph had been cained like a bitch by the Mail just because they have better celeb news. HELLOOOO LOVES - P.S. > anyone who thinks i think i can do better should read any previous posts where i have royally fucked up presentations and stood there, on stage, crying, in a puddle of my own piss.

Laters i went and talked about stalkers, fireworks and making unicycles for shaved pets in pizza express with me new twitterbuddies @AlCarlton (who sponsored the event with Conference Calendar) and @DanJHarrison (who makes cakes in difficult shapes).

Then i had to get the 8:15 train back because it was the last one - can you fucking believe that? last train on a Saturday night between 2 major cities is 8:15 -I didn't believe it - I says to the the ticket guy (in my best authoritative London tones) "Now, listen here my good man. I'll have none of your northern cheek, i must return to London later than this or i shall have to do the journey sober ...and none of us want that on our conscience do we?"

He said I could get Stellas on the train.

...well happy birthday to me really - seeing as it is MY birthday not Sink the Rock's birthday.

I love birthdays don't you? I think I prefer them when they are not mine though - I'm not being a misery > promise. In fact thinking about it my absolute favourite bit of birthdays is when your colleague knows that you absolutely fucking love it when all the people who sit near you in the office come and stand around your desk and make you eat some fucking cake so he goes and buys some cake and tells everyone so come and stand round your desk. Dave isn't in today though and no one has mentioned the birthday thing so I might get away with it > but of course - facebook exists - so maybemaybeMAYBE someone else will have taken up the mantle in his absence omgomgomg fingers crossed > I can hardly contain my apathy.

The other thing about birthdays is you get to go out, get really drunk and make everyone fully aware that you are the centre of attention - but I do that about three nights out of seven anyway - so not really a super-killer USP.

ho hum what a miserable cunt - ho ho > it's just for fun you know - not real misery.

ANYWAY > in other more important news I am ranked 7th out of thirty million on Google for worst blog ever - because of the plumber's tap worst blog ever post and me consequently writing worst blog ever in the site title - I wonder if i can get to number fucking one with some links? I don't think the competition is very hot - if you link to my blog in your blogroll or whatever and wanted to help me in my vanity project - you could put 'worst blog ever' in the text or title of the link - nice one > oh  > that would be good and nice birthday present from you - thanks everso x

...for ease - here is the code:

<a href="http://www.sinktherock.org" title="worst blog ever - Sink the Rock">Sink the Rock - worst blog ever</a>

P.S. thanks for all the social media birthday wishes

Dear Janit,

It has been so long since my last correspondence and I only wish this letter could be more a discourse of praise but there follows an issue which simply must be addressed. While I can accept your attitude is almost certainly a response to my recent trips away from home there is now a line in the sand, the crossing of which will not be tolerated.

In these occasional instances of my absence I am prepared to accept being sulked at, ignored and treated with disdain for a day or so upon my return. What i refuse to condone is any sort of misbehavior during my absence. In particular the practice of any toiletry anywhere other than the normal designated areas. I thank the Lord that you didn't return to full dirty protest but still, spending half a penny around and about the place is not an intelligent way to register umbrage or anywhere near approaching a dignified way for a lady to behave.

And, for pity's sake, Wicker's Mother came to stay and was forced to bear witness to the whole sordid episode.

To be perfectly frank, you've let me down, you've let Wicker down and you've let yourself down.

Having said that, I am pleased that your apethetic treatment of me only lasted a few hours and I hope that now we can put this sorry affair behind us.

Kindest Regards

love from

Crispin

Play > The Crescent - Episode 34 (mp3)

Download > The Crescent - Episode 34 (mp3)

This week i got OK magazine - it is proper posh and well high brow > Wicker goes all showbiz and is WELL lezzy for Liz Herley > Co-leen eventually popped her sprog > clap clap ten points > there seems to be some confusion as to whether or not she is in a rush to lose her baby weight though > Peter Andre standing next to a lady made of dough > We reveal what celebrites are FRIGHTFUL commoners > celeb diets of Dannii Minge and Jackie Collins COMPARED > Kerry Katona free fat fucking - iknowrightwhat? > Jordan's illustrated suicide advice > AND > Shine up marble worktops with WHAT? Check out Carly's top tips to find out - I swear to fucking god you will never never guess...

I fucked up the song at the end a bit but then sorted it out > playing out w 'Traynor' by Dinosaur Pile up.

OH fyi > all the fucking cool people are going to this on Thursday > Brain Drain at the Old Blue Last in Shorditch > secret code to get on the cheap list at the end of the podcast. Go to tinyurl.com/ilovejedward for more details.

...and here is what is on at the Red Rose Comedy club on Saturday (if you don't like Xfactor)

ALISTAIR BARRIE, PIPPA EVANS, GEORGE RYEGOLD, DOC BROWN, mc: Mike O'Donovan  

To be on it / in it next week > tag tweets with #celebz or email us > wicker@sinktherock.org or crispin@sinktherock.org

Rules are on the fridge Lily Allen

Weekly celebrity gossip podcast - The Crescent