mice

Dear Janet

You are a cat. Cats catch mice. This is the law. Cats catch mice by chasing them around. They do not catch mice by staring at the cooker. I am considering buying some mice from the pet shop for training purposes. I thought we could drug them or get them drunk to slow them down a bit at first. I do have slight concerns as to the morality of buying pets to drug and kill, however people do buy mice and rats to feed to snakes and if I were a mouse I think I would rather die drunk than sober. I would like to here your views on the subject.

Love from Crispin

Dear Janit,

Just because I leave my room it doesn't mean that you are going to be fed - you must try and find some other interests in your life beyond food or risk treading the path to a tubby malcontent who can only find solace in biscuits. Maybe you wouldn't be so bored if you caught some mice instead of sitting about looking at the cooker all day like a big lazy sack of whirring unconditional indifference.

Love from Crispin x

P.S. I am writing with concern and only have your well being at heart, I thought that my being blunt would be the most effective way to offer some constructive advice.