janit

Dear Janit,

I really am so pleased with your progression at the sport of fly killing. I think it safe to say that we are now both fully convinced that paws and claws are much better suited to the task in hand than eyes, as we have previously discussed. However, I do still feel that there is slight room for improvement in your technique ~ you see ideally what we are looking for here is a clean quick kill, one in common with and demonstrative of a benevolent and merciful assassin, the likes of which I am sure we can both agree you aspire to be. I would like to remind you that there is no place for torture in our house, we are civilised decent people and I really would like for you to try, at least, to bare that in mind.

In other words, what I am pushing for, is for you to refrain from just biting their wings off and leaving them spinning about the floor like fitting raisens until I come in, the 'clean up man', to chase them about with a tissue.

Warmest regards

Crispin

P.S. Please do not allow my criticism to detract from my praise.

Dear Janit,

I feel it only appropriate that you should receive nothing but the sternest reprimand for your disgraceful behavior in company. I refer explicitly, to our recent visits from Wicker's Mother. At every possible opportunity you acted as a spoiled child, hornswoggling her for extra food, demanding attention, then squirming like an eel when she tried to pick you up and stubornly rebuking any and all displays of actual affection. Also of note was your repeated whinging and whining and sulking and hiding - all this to say nothing of the bare faced lies about our 'starving you for sport'.

She asked me if you were a rescue cat for pity's sake. This conduct will not be tolerated again.

Love always

Crispin

Dear Janit

I have it on good authority that while i was away last week you were caught thre times by Wicker 'Baking Brownies' on the living room rug. Now these dirty protests MUST STOP. You are not in prison, you are not maltreated, you are not a rescue cat, you have a litter box and it is always clean.

I am at my wits end and furious beyond measure. I swear, as God is my witness, if you drop tuppence on the rug one more time i shall shave your tail and put your toys in the cupboard forever.

I strongly advise you to take heed as this truly is your final warning.

This year Janit and I went home to my parents for Crispmas she was an insufferable bitch all the way there, non stop moaning why am I in the vet box? what is that smell? what's that noise? JESUS CHRIST why am I in the vet box? etc

Dear Janit

Under no circumstances are you ever to lick my eyeball again. I admit that I may have encouraged you somewhat by continuing to pet you as you licked my face but I never expected you to actually lick my eyeball. It sent shivers down my spine as if a hundred people were scratching blackboards and now every time I close my right eye it appears to be raining. I hope to goodness there is no permanent damage or there will be hell to pay.

Love from Crispin

so I was just singing to Janet and a well good poem came out of my mouth - it goes like this...

Jane Jane Jane Jane

what the fuck goes on in your brain?

you cant speak no English

I can't speak no cat

what sort of a basis for friendship is that?

...

You have to sing it in Steve Tyler's voice

Dear Janet

Exercise is not a swear word

Love from Crispin

Dear Janet

I have reached the end of my tether with regard to your insistence of staring at the wall. You may notice that I have pinned photocopies of poems by Keats, cummings and Larkin as well as some of Shakespeare’s sonnets around the flat at cat eye height.

I am not trying to force poetry upon you but I am aware of how difficult it is for you to turn pages.

Love from Crispin

Dear Janit,

Just because I leave my room it doesn't mean that you are going to be fed - you must try and find some other interests in your life beyond food or risk treading the path to a tubby malcontent who can only find solace in biscuits. Maybe you wouldn't be so bored if you caught some mice instead of sitting about looking at the cooker all day like a big lazy sack of whirring unconditional indifference.

Love from Crispin x

P.S. I am writing with concern and only have your well being at heart, I thought that my being blunt would be the most effective way to offer some constructive advice.

Last night I found an old notebook of mine - It contains a series of letters I wrote to my cat, Janit (sometimes she is also called Janet, sometimes Jane and occasionally Juanita) she is black and white and lazy and fat. These letters were written in a time before she was 'space hopper fat' as she is now but was already displaying signs of acute laziness and nonchalance, back around the turn of the millennia.