sex

Right oh so >> i got all jealous about everyone in the world being on Guardian Soulmates (popular UK Internet dating) just before crispmas so i did myself a profile - I was on it before a few years back but that didn't go down very well. I kept sending girls werido messages about shoes and ghosts when i was really pissed and no-one wanted to talk to me apart from one girl who was into tantric sex and wanked off horses for a living (100% TRUE FACT). In the end i had to get a date off match dot com by a girl who lied to me about her name and where she lived and was generally obtuse and hostile the whole time (although she was well fit)... we had a conversation that went like this >

me: right i think i might be off
her: why?
me: well i think we are stuggling to find some common ground
her: who is stuggeling? I'm not struggling
me: well I fucking am

tehn she insisted on buying another round and her being a bit nicer and me being a bit drunker lead to some sexeh tiem, so not a total disaster in the end.

blah blah blah this is not the story > the story is that i decided to put up the truth on my soulmates profile because everyone likes music and traveling and every fucker is fun loving and amiable in the mirror - so this is what i wrote:

Why should people get to know you?
...well in truth you probably shouldn't, I drink too much too often and routinely say things I don't mean just to provoke a reaction. I tell absurd lies constantly, though this is more a want than a compulsion. I can be lewd, brash, flippant, scathing, boring and cynical, I am always 10 minutes late for absolutely everything and I am a terrible show off - also, on Saturday, I told my niece I was texting Father Christmas about how naughty she was and then i pretended to throw her in a wheelie bin and she puked sweets out of her nose.

I am on this thing because I am nosey and vain, not because I am looking for a wife. Also I already went on a weird internet date a couple of years back so I pretty much have this whole thing ticked it off my life goals to do list.

Merry Christmas x

...i had 5 fans the next day so i hid the profile in panic haha I am such a pussy - still, looks like these guardian readers are literally fizzing at the bunghole for a bit of blunt honesty...

Davey just bought me a Twix from the shop - when I opened it both fingers were stuck together as one big Twix. At first I thought they were having sex but Davey told me that actually they were brother and sister - and very special as it is a one in a million chance known by scientists as "Siamese Twix".

I would have took a picture of it but my camera is still shot and my tea was getting cold so I et the bastards.

So - over the weekend I was talking to [[Jim]]. this is his take on Tantric sex:

...tantric sex just means you get told off if you ejaclate in less than quarter of an hour - If a girl wants me to last longer than ten minutes, she'd better be fucking ugly

I recounted this story to Nick - he said that was total bollocks as: if he is fucking an ugly girl it is over pretty sharpish as it is just head down and go for it - (no prisoners)

I remain undecided on the subject

Suzanne: it is almost always fatal to do it really quickly Suzanne: when i do it with someone for the first time then when i wake up i always think OH SHIT and what happens next is all about how they behave Crispin: haha I always think wow - oh yeah i remember, I wonder if she will be weird when she wakes up? ...then i put on the mask and gloves - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -