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Wicker is drunk crispin is sober and the rain is really loud in the background - it doesn't go very well but we muscle on through > Dappy out of ndubz thoughts on meow meow > Jordan's marriage PANIC > I went speed dating with my DEAD gran > Charl cant cope with all the pressure > I breast fed my dad > Sock mad SEX > LOVE RAT exclusive > IS Kerry turning into Jordan? > Eric the vampire has a girlfriend > WHO likes to put mini eggs up lady's front bottoms? > AND > confident Tracey tells us how to find out if you got a baggy fanny. Happy Bank Holiday x
playing out with 'Punk Spirit' by Wave Machines
Any man who would be a knight and follow a king FOLLOW ME
Contact the show? - barely anyone does so if you do you are bound to be on it > message us up to be on next week > Myspace / Facebook / Twitter: @chimpdonk / @wickerwoo
Merry Crispmas my gossip loving lovelies x > here is what happened - we goto back from teh pub and then tried to do our podcast drunk as hell - I think we pulled it off but I can't really remember what we talked about - we forgot about Brittany Murphy but we remembered Pete Docherty - I think we shouted alot and wished you all a merry Crispmas especially to our new SHOWBIZ buddies AC the stylist and Carlos.
PLaying out with the skills of Halston - I'm down with Christmas
I wrote this on Sunday morning but then i couldn't get my phone to login to any pic sharing and paul's kids had hidden my camera > blah blah bl;ah now i have sorted both - here is the post >
so on Friday night I got really pissed > I didn't even mean to but suddenly i was megapisseduptodeath - come to think of it I didn't have any tea because I was late and then when I got to the pub there was no time to waste (eating's cheating and all that right?) - actually I did order a pizza but the chorizo on it smelled a bit like cat biscuits so I gave it to Rindsey.
Anyway I had arranged to go shopping the next morning with my lil sister and she woke me from drunken slumberbum at like 10. I'm still properly pissed - with only a slight sense of impending doom and the realisation that i left my dignity at the bar again - but no matter > brief check through the pockets and about my bed and person establishes I did not meet any of the criteria for loser drunk - just really drunk not loser drunk is OK with me (still plenty of opportunity for this to be completely fucking dispelled when I talk to Wicker laters though hah hah).
I got myself a nice top that is funny looking and far too small and a couple of T shirts > there are a couple of things you're not supposed to do when you are shitted, one is surgery - the other is go clothes shopping:
look at this shit > ok first one not so bad > maybe a LITTLE BIT TWEE ...
This is like a double second hand eavstrop ~ a message from Emma about someone elses facebook status updates - see now - proof that facebook isn't dead Twitter can fuck off:
hi, thought you would appreciate these status updates from my friend oli, they made me laugh.
poor girl on the bus next to me is being broke up with over the phone, might swoop in on the poor thing. Mind you her voice is already going through me so I understand where the boyfriend is coming from.
Ha, she just said "it's cool, I know you're only hiding from your feelings. I'm cool to be friends and I know you don't drink but let's go out, get drunk and see what happens". Class
Oh my, metaphors galore "if you're at the seaside and can't swim the best thing to do is not just go in to your ankles but dive right in". Ha! Let it go love. I feel bad for her
Get on this bob, she just said "it'll be bad for you if you do this, sure you're unhappy now and probably will be for a while but let's see how it goes". Followed by "I'm fucking serious". This is brilliant
"no we haven't only been seeing each other for only a couple of months, that's bollocks, we've been together for close to 14 weeks, that's nearly half a year!"
Not according to my calendar sweetheart
"I love you"
Noooo, don't say that, it's not gonna fly. Bollocks, my stop is here, I might stay on to Peckham just to see how this turns out, I wish you luck slightly drunk girl on the bus
Wicker and I have decided that it would be a good idea not to get 'Loser Drunk' so often. we decided this over breakfast the other day, this was after we both awoke up side down on Tom's sofa at 6 that morning - a sofa that is literally less than 100 meters from my flat. Obviously we are not giving up being loser drunk ever, that would be ridiculous, but we will try to bring it down to an acceptable level like once a week. Well, at first, you know - one step at a time Martin - with a view to reducing this to once a month over the course of teh year.
We established the following as FAIL criteria for 'Loser Drunk':
If we wake up next to each other
If you wake up:
not at home but near to home
on the sofa
on the floor
in your clothes
Any holes in clothes - specifically tights
Evidence of cooking in the kitchen - or suggestions of weird snack consumption e.g. an explosion of the wrappers of a whole pack of seafood sticks all over the kitchen
Self sustained injury - such as a grazed knee or weird bruises
Any pen on your face or anything written on you that is not a phone number of someone whose face you can describe
Evidence of Dixy - or any fast food for that matter but the slightest whiff of Dixy Chicken renders the purchaser an instant LOSER
Repitition of full conversation - from the previous night if less than three lines are repeated the first person to realise is not a loser if the conversation goes as far as four lines we both, are LOSERS
Memory Blank - that has not returned within two hours of being awake
Falling out of a window - e.g. Wicker out of the Hogg's Head on Chrismas Eve
Inappropiate sexy intercourse - e.g. friend or colleague
Excess money on your person - >£10 in coins OR > £200 folding currency
Being sick anywhere
Falling asleep on public transport
If you didn't realise you were being a dick until someone told you to stop being a dick OR
You couldn't stop yourself being a dick and had to ask someone to stop you being a dick
If someone told you to:
If someone tells you you smell of booze the next day
So me and Dermot are driving into town the other day and Arcade Fire came on the iBob and he remarked offhand how he would like to work for them (he is a tour manager). The next day someone phoned him up and offered him the job - spooky. That is the finger of fate poking you right in the eye I told him. So he has to go and meet the band and as they are doing a gig in Lyon the next weekend I get to go too. Free gigs is almost as good as free beer in my book of 'how good free stuff is' so I am chuffed to bits.
Then the fuckers only went and cancelled the whole tour, so now the dream is over. It is such a shame because I was really looking forward to embarrassing Dermot to death by trying to get Arcade Fire to sign my tits and stuff.
Last night I went to see The Eagles of Death Metal in Camden and had too many lager-pops so i got up later that i intended and on the way to work i had my collar felt by mr policeman for bike riding like a drunk loony but he didnt take me to the station or even give me a fine because all the cops are in really good moods because due to all of this terror and that they get to cover their utility vest in weapons and be well important - he had a tazer gun an extendo trunchoen some cs gas and a real gun on a curly string. He says "How tall are you?" I said "6 foot IC1 brown hair blue eyes" - "Have you been in trouble with us bfore Sir?" - "not for aaaages Ossifer" - "Mind if I check that out?" - "Not at all, I am late already, another couple of minutes can't hurt"